Amber Denae - So She's all grown up now......

She can't remember that first day I met her...
but I will never forget.
When I heard her little voice, I cried.
All the months of dreaming, planning and wondering,
And here she was, tiny, perfect, naked and loud.
Angrily protesting her birth and curiously alert.

Screaming for all she was worth,
then they placed her in my arms and she looked at me
then settled down and sighed a tiny perfect sigh.
She was perfect, beautiful and so alive!
We counted her toes and fingers, marveled at her beauty.
And I fell hopelessly in love and was forever changed.

No one had prepared me for the torrent of emotions
fierce, protective, overwhelming love for this tiny demanding little creature.
who cared only for her own needs of comfort and hunger.
She captured me so completely with one sigh,
I knew I would move heaven and earth for her happiness.
I would give up sleep and life as I had known it.
Her wish was my command and her every move and sound was celebrated.

I was so proud, as if I had created a masterpiece.
I dressed her like a princess and beamed when anyone stopped to look at her.
I spent hours watching her sleep, and lived for holding her.
When she first smiled at me I melted, I hung onto her every coo and interaction.

And she grew, into an independent and brilliant toddler,
inquisitive and imaginative, full of joy and wonder....
We were amazed at her vocabulary and ability to communicate with anyone.
she was precocious and lovable, our home was filled with love and laughter.

Then when I thought I could never love another soul with such passion....
Along came her little sister,
So tiny, perfection in 5 pounds, sweet and silent, so beautiful and lovable.
And my heart was captured once again.
and then we watched her become the perfect big sister.
watching over, loving and playing with the new baby.
Four years later came sister number three and we all were stretched beyond belief
as we fought and prayed for our little angels life, she was born too soon and was so fragile and sickly, it was weeks before we could even hold her, One of our happiest moments was the day we brought her home and only then did we know we were complete with our three beautiful treasures.

That's when she started becoming so independent, "I can do it myself became her battle cry."
She didn't need me as much and sometimes that hurt.....
Soon she was reading on her own and making her own bed without my assistance.
She was so excited to start school, so small but so brave and excited,
and so in love with school supplies. She didn't even cry that first day,
She had been so excited she had barely slept the night before.
When we left the school she didn't cry like the other children.She wanted us to leave so she could get on with it, learning and reading and making new friends.

She loved school and she thrived and grew, smarter and more confident.

And I suspected she loved having this world that was hers alone without my assistance.
wisdom and intelligence beyond her years always marked her,
This often led to frustrations and power struggles.
She was strong and stubborn and sometimes unmanageable.
But always a joy and a marvel as I wondered what she was becoming.

Then the tumultuous teen years, headstrong, questioning everything
yet in a crazy unexplainable way so obedient and pure in her questioning.
So committed to excellence and perfection it scared me. So responsible, so young.
And sadly so hard on herself with standards so high no one could reach.
Yet she tried and was so disappointed when there was any failure.
I realized then that I could love her perfectly but would never attain her standard.
That was my most painful realization that I had failed this prodigy child, I could not catch up with her she had outgrown me......

The day she turned 15 she already had made her own appointment, determined to drive.
determined to be independent, to grow, soar and leave the nest.
She had a job from the day she was old enough to and resented us trying to help her.
She insisted on paying her own cell phone bill and buying her own gas. Some parents said we were lucky but I felt a little cheated, I wanted to be needed, to keep taking care of my baby.

Collage and internships and now a real career,
Today she's looking for her first place alone, she's determined to grow up completely
and I'm proud, I really am but I feel sad, lonely and so empty,
I go into her empty room and look at all the pictures of her with her friends, I hold her pillow and I
cry.......I don't know how to let go of my precious baby girl yet I know it's not my decision it's hers
and I remember the day this relationship started and she started warning me then,
not to hold on so tightly.....................

UPDATE 3/16/14

Since I wrote this  Amber married the love of her life in a gorgeous wedding, every  beautiful detail carried out  in true Amber fashion.

In January 2012 after many prayers ( and even more hints by me ) our family was complete as Amber and Ben joined us in Charlotte. God already knew what I needed before I did. In a short time Amber was working with her dad and I. There are no words to describe what a blessing she has been, being our daughter she knows what we need before we ask,  she is a natural recruiter and her department flourishes under her hand, she so kind, loving and pastoral that I hear her ministering to every prospective student she speaks with on the phone. We are so blessed, having her with us has taken innumerable pressures off of us. Het strength, character, work ethic, professionalism and kindness shine. I'm amazed that I somehow raised this brilliant creature who organizes, is articulate and an amazing proofreader and grammar queen with a high commitment to excellence!  I love having her there in my everyday work life  to work with, to laugh with, to eat our morning oatmeal together and  lunch together. I'm beyond blessed!

This past October I returned home after a dinner date to find Amber and Ben waiting on the back porch  holding carved pumpkins with the most beautiful words a mama can read "We're having a baby!"  Joy does not begin to describe our feelings.

So now I watch as once more she grows and transforms into the most beautiful role she will ever fill, she glows as she carries this beautiful new life. And once again her strength shines through as she plans every detail of this birth knowing exactly what she wants the experience to be and I hear the
same battle cry; just more womanly and subdued but it's the same " I can do this myself, I've got this mom,  don't worry; I'm strong!" And I sigh and I know she's right, it's who she is... strong,  independent and sure of herself and deep down inside I'm proud, even though it's another tearing of the apron strings.

The past few weeks our family has faced a challenge and a battle and our sweet, strong Amber couldn't sit and do nothing so she mounted a social media campaign to support her sister and our family and bring hundreds together to pray for the life of her precious unborn nephew. I have watched as she has stood steadfast in faith and hope and has been tenacious as she has fought for her sister. NOTHING warms a mothers heart more...so now today on her 27th birthday I call her, my beautiful daughter, Amber Denae Rhodes; a woman of excellence, a woman of Valor! I love you my dear with all of my heart!